Have you ever wondered what it takes to make relationships work?
According to leading couples therapy experts and social psychologists, emotional responsiveness is key to creating loving and lasting relationships. Emotional responsiveness refers to the ability to express emotions freely and openly, to respond to another person with warmth, emotional and physical closeness, and to be able to form close, trusting, loving, and intimate bonds with others.
Research shows that relationships fail not because of increasing conflict, but because of decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness.
Our own experience as a baby with our mother (or primary caregiver) provides the blueprint for how emotionally responsive we become as adults. Loving contact is critical to healthy emotional development, and if the caregiver responds with safe emotional and physical closeness, the individual will develop a healthy and secure sense of self and be comfortable with intimacy and deep affectional bonds. If on the other hand, the child does not receive this safe loving contact, or is affected by traumatic experiences which threaten the sense of self, the individual will likely be troubled by emotional wariness, lack of trust, defensiveness, fear of abandonment, and so on. Also, he/she may unknowingly look to the partner to fulfill that emotional hunger of childhood.
If you’d like to get a sense of how emotionally responsive you are (or have been) in your relationships, I invite you to reflect on:
· How comfortable you are with closeness and intimacy
· How comfortable you are depending on others
· How much you worry about being abandoned or not loved
Loving contact is as important as nutrition, and adults need it as much as babies. When our partner is there for us, when we have emotional and physical closeness, trust, and the sense that our partner’s got our back, this sense of security will allow us to reach out and connect easily with our lover. When our partner is emotionally unavailable or unresponsive, on the other hand, we will feel alone, sad, hurt, angry, and afraid. Losing the connection to a loved one jeopardizes our sense of security and sets off fear – our built in alarm system that goes off when our survival is threatened. Those of us who have developed a secure bond with our caregivers are usually able to shake off this fear more easily and ask for reassurance. For those of us with weaker bonds or trauma, the sense of fear and insecurity can be overwhelming and may manifest as anxiety, anger, control, clinginess, or distancing. It’s important to recognize that underneath these manifestations is a longing for safety and connection.
Being unsure of our connection to our partner often sets in motion a negative spiral of relating.
An example of this would be the classic pattern of distancer-pursuer where partner A feeling the need for connection reaches out and perhaps says “I need more closeness”. If partner B is not comfortable with more closeness, he/she is likely to perceive this need as “neediness” and distance him/herself. The distancing will cause partner A to continue to pursue partner B for more closeness, and partner B to continue to distance. And on it goes. The longer partners feel disconnected, the more negative their interactions will become.
If you find yourself in such a situation, the first step in breaking this negative cycle is to recognize that you are in it, and to look below the surface at the needs or fears that may be driving your behavior. Notice the times when you do not feel safely connected to your partner. And when you feel this disconnection, what do you tend to do? How do you cope with disconnection? By complaining, zoning out, running away, ignoring, blaming, being angry, eating, etc?
Once you have identified what you tend to do and how you do it, share it with your partner in an open, honest and non-blaming way. For example, “the more I ____, the more you ____, and the more I ____ and round we go”. “What I need is ____. I fear that ___ and I do ___ when I’m afraid.” Take turns with your partner to express your needs and fears. Sharing with each other in this way can be a very intimate and bonding experience.
Our loved one is our shelter in life, and the ultimate remedy for disconnection is to establish a sense of safe connection. Once you begin to notice the cycles of disconnection and communicate about them, you begin to reconnect!
If you try this and find it difficult to hold these conversations on your own, you may want to try couples counselling as it has been proven to help couples shift from the negative spiral of disconnection to a new level of understanding, intimacy and love.
According to leading couples therapy experts and social psychologists, emotional responsiveness is key to creating loving and lasting relationships. Emotional responsiveness refers to the ability to express emotions freely and openly, to respond to another person with warmth, emotional and physical closeness, and to be able to form close, trusting, loving, and intimate bonds with others.
Research shows that relationships fail not because of increasing conflict, but because of decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness.
Our own experience as a baby with our mother (or primary caregiver) provides the blueprint for how emotionally responsive we become as adults. Loving contact is critical to healthy emotional development, and if the caregiver responds with safe emotional and physical closeness, the individual will develop a healthy and secure sense of self and be comfortable with intimacy and deep affectional bonds. If on the other hand, the child does not receive this safe loving contact, or is affected by traumatic experiences which threaten the sense of self, the individual will likely be troubled by emotional wariness, lack of trust, defensiveness, fear of abandonment, and so on. Also, he/she may unknowingly look to the partner to fulfill that emotional hunger of childhood.
If you’d like to get a sense of how emotionally responsive you are (or have been) in your relationships, I invite you to reflect on:
· How comfortable you are with closeness and intimacy
· How comfortable you are depending on others
· How much you worry about being abandoned or not loved
Loving contact is as important as nutrition, and adults need it as much as babies. When our partner is there for us, when we have emotional and physical closeness, trust, and the sense that our partner’s got our back, this sense of security will allow us to reach out and connect easily with our lover. When our partner is emotionally unavailable or unresponsive, on the other hand, we will feel alone, sad, hurt, angry, and afraid. Losing the connection to a loved one jeopardizes our sense of security and sets off fear – our built in alarm system that goes off when our survival is threatened. Those of us who have developed a secure bond with our caregivers are usually able to shake off this fear more easily and ask for reassurance. For those of us with weaker bonds or trauma, the sense of fear and insecurity can be overwhelming and may manifest as anxiety, anger, control, clinginess, or distancing. It’s important to recognize that underneath these manifestations is a longing for safety and connection.
Being unsure of our connection to our partner often sets in motion a negative spiral of relating.
An example of this would be the classic pattern of distancer-pursuer where partner A feeling the need for connection reaches out and perhaps says “I need more closeness”. If partner B is not comfortable with more closeness, he/she is likely to perceive this need as “neediness” and distance him/herself. The distancing will cause partner A to continue to pursue partner B for more closeness, and partner B to continue to distance. And on it goes. The longer partners feel disconnected, the more negative their interactions will become.
If you find yourself in such a situation, the first step in breaking this negative cycle is to recognize that you are in it, and to look below the surface at the needs or fears that may be driving your behavior. Notice the times when you do not feel safely connected to your partner. And when you feel this disconnection, what do you tend to do? How do you cope with disconnection? By complaining, zoning out, running away, ignoring, blaming, being angry, eating, etc?
Once you have identified what you tend to do and how you do it, share it with your partner in an open, honest and non-blaming way. For example, “the more I ____, the more you ____, and the more I ____ and round we go”. “What I need is ____. I fear that ___ and I do ___ when I’m afraid.” Take turns with your partner to express your needs and fears. Sharing with each other in this way can be a very intimate and bonding experience.
Our loved one is our shelter in life, and the ultimate remedy for disconnection is to establish a sense of safe connection. Once you begin to notice the cycles of disconnection and communicate about them, you begin to reconnect!
If you try this and find it difficult to hold these conversations on your own, you may want to try couples counselling as it has been proven to help couples shift from the negative spiral of disconnection to a new level of understanding, intimacy and love.
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